Morning Announcements
by Faith Swarner
“Good morning students, teachers, and staff. Today is Friday the thirteenth, November 2015. It’s 7:32 and I’m here with your morning announcements!
“We have quite a few this morning, starting with new programs that will be offered this year. Starting with an extra credit course, How to Conquer Your Fear of Talking on the Telephone. This will count as two extra credit points for anyone who needs them. After the ban of crayons, anyone who is found in possession of crayons, including teachers, will be sentenced to cleaning the showers in the boys’ locker room. Also, high fiving and fist bumps are now banned due to safety reasons. It is said that they spread germs and are ‘dangerous and unnecessarily violent’. Instead elbow bumps will be put into play.
“Today, due to circumstances out of our control, lunch will still be served. Today’s menu will be soy hot dogs served in gluten free buns. Don’t worry if they appear green, that’s the wonders of soy at work. For a side we have stewed tomatoes and a surprise soup. Anyone who guesses what it is correctly will win a free second helping! Don’t forget your dessert of tapioca pudding mixed with raisins, or flies, even the lunch ladies do not know for sure.
“Also the cafeteria manager is looking for taste testers for their new recipes. If there are no volunteers ten kids will be randomly chosen. May the odds be ever in your favor. They also wanted to ensure everyone that the rumors that the food is not leftovers from last week are not true, I repeat not true.”
“ The school dance, Love Is In the Air, will be opening next week. It will feature awkward chaperons, inappropriate dancing, crying girls locked away in the bathroom, and multiple breakups and lost friendships. To make the theme more authentic we will pump Axe body spray and poorly concealed body odor out through the fog machine for you to enjoy. Buy your ticket and ask out that person who’s out of your league! What’s the worst that could happen? Rejection, humiliation, heartache, the realization that you’re a pathetic failure? How will you ever find out unless you buy yourself a ticket for the reasonable price of fifteen dollars. There are no refunds so buy your tickets now, you won’t regret it!
“Today we have a guest speaker coming in to talk to everyone about careers. It’s meant to scare you into questioning everything you know and want to be in the future. It will be an hour of unending questions about what you want to do with your future, and a myriad of ‘what if’ scenarios that will never happen but will scare you all the same. And if somehow by the end of this talk you are still sure about what you want to be, you get a one on one talk with the guest speaker to further confuse you and add unnecessary worry to your life. After the guest speaker we will then have a college fair to make you feel like you’re on the brink of a mental breakdown. Four out of five other schools said this was the best experience to frighten teenagers who are afraid to become adults!
“Also starting tomorrow, school will be starting even earlier! After a thorough review from the school board, the committee decided to ignore all the findings that high school should start later. They thought it best that we get that extra half an hour of school to increase grades, student moral, and student participation. Arguments from students have been made including the following: no one will be awake to function that early, statics on how high schools should start later, and other many logical arguments. They were all listened to and considered carefully by the committee but overall ignored by everyone. The principal approved this and has decided to ban coffee as well, ‘for the better of learning’. Also, if anyone decides to riot they will be sentenced to cleaning out all the staff coffee machines in the school.
“Another new school initiative is a revised school dress code. There will now be no yoga pants, man buns, trench coats, Ugg boats and no shave November will be need to shave November. They are reported to be, ‘distracting to the learning process’. Any student caught with these banned items will be made to watch a two hour long documentary on the finer points of school dress codes, and if that is not bad enough, the detained students will have to apply for an approval of every outfit they wear to school. Also the colors red and blue will be banned because ‘they spark a rebellious flare inside our students’. It has been brought to the principal's attention that they are indeed the colors of the American flag and stand for the American way and patriotism, but surprise surprise, this has been ignored.
“The school administration also wants to spread positive messages to the student body. To do this they are cutting lunch in half every Friday to show educational videos on important topics for students. This Friday they will be showing, “You, Hygiene Products, and Why You Should Use Them”. Also for this month they are showing, “Yes, You Might Use This in the Future”, “How to Work With People You Hate”, “How Not to Cry During Tests”, “Why School Bathroom Selfies are the Worst”, and “The School Administration Is Doing What Is Best for You”! After these educational videos there will be a fifteen minute talk about the video. You will be grouped by random to help you get to know more people you won’t like!
“I will end the morning announcements with this quote supplied by our fine principal. “Remember, even if you’re garbage, it’s garbagecan not garbagecannot.” That’s all folks. Tune in tomorrow for more stupid rules and regulations that you can thank the school board for!”
by Faith Swarner
“Good morning students, teachers, and staff. Today is Friday the thirteenth, November 2015. It’s 7:32 and I’m here with your morning announcements!
“We have quite a few this morning, starting with new programs that will be offered this year. Starting with an extra credit course, How to Conquer Your Fear of Talking on the Telephone. This will count as two extra credit points for anyone who needs them. After the ban of crayons, anyone who is found in possession of crayons, including teachers, will be sentenced to cleaning the showers in the boys’ locker room. Also, high fiving and fist bumps are now banned due to safety reasons. It is said that they spread germs and are ‘dangerous and unnecessarily violent’. Instead elbow bumps will be put into play.
“Today, due to circumstances out of our control, lunch will still be served. Today’s menu will be soy hot dogs served in gluten free buns. Don’t worry if they appear green, that’s the wonders of soy at work. For a side we have stewed tomatoes and a surprise soup. Anyone who guesses what it is correctly will win a free second helping! Don’t forget your dessert of tapioca pudding mixed with raisins, or flies, even the lunch ladies do not know for sure.
“Also the cafeteria manager is looking for taste testers for their new recipes. If there are no volunteers ten kids will be randomly chosen. May the odds be ever in your favor. They also wanted to ensure everyone that the rumors that the food is not leftovers from last week are not true, I repeat not true.”
“ The school dance, Love Is In the Air, will be opening next week. It will feature awkward chaperons, inappropriate dancing, crying girls locked away in the bathroom, and multiple breakups and lost friendships. To make the theme more authentic we will pump Axe body spray and poorly concealed body odor out through the fog machine for you to enjoy. Buy your ticket and ask out that person who’s out of your league! What’s the worst that could happen? Rejection, humiliation, heartache, the realization that you’re a pathetic failure? How will you ever find out unless you buy yourself a ticket for the reasonable price of fifteen dollars. There are no refunds so buy your tickets now, you won’t regret it!
“Today we have a guest speaker coming in to talk to everyone about careers. It’s meant to scare you into questioning everything you know and want to be in the future. It will be an hour of unending questions about what you want to do with your future, and a myriad of ‘what if’ scenarios that will never happen but will scare you all the same. And if somehow by the end of this talk you are still sure about what you want to be, you get a one on one talk with the guest speaker to further confuse you and add unnecessary worry to your life. After the guest speaker we will then have a college fair to make you feel like you’re on the brink of a mental breakdown. Four out of five other schools said this was the best experience to frighten teenagers who are afraid to become adults!
“Also starting tomorrow, school will be starting even earlier! After a thorough review from the school board, the committee decided to ignore all the findings that high school should start later. They thought it best that we get that extra half an hour of school to increase grades, student moral, and student participation. Arguments from students have been made including the following: no one will be awake to function that early, statics on how high schools should start later, and other many logical arguments. They were all listened to and considered carefully by the committee but overall ignored by everyone. The principal approved this and has decided to ban coffee as well, ‘for the better of learning’. Also, if anyone decides to riot they will be sentenced to cleaning out all the staff coffee machines in the school.
“Another new school initiative is a revised school dress code. There will now be no yoga pants, man buns, trench coats, Ugg boats and no shave November will be need to shave November. They are reported to be, ‘distracting to the learning process’. Any student caught with these banned items will be made to watch a two hour long documentary on the finer points of school dress codes, and if that is not bad enough, the detained students will have to apply for an approval of every outfit they wear to school. Also the colors red and blue will be banned because ‘they spark a rebellious flare inside our students’. It has been brought to the principal's attention that they are indeed the colors of the American flag and stand for the American way and patriotism, but surprise surprise, this has been ignored.
“The school administration also wants to spread positive messages to the student body. To do this they are cutting lunch in half every Friday to show educational videos on important topics for students. This Friday they will be showing, “You, Hygiene Products, and Why You Should Use Them”. Also for this month they are showing, “Yes, You Might Use This in the Future”, “How to Work With People You Hate”, “How Not to Cry During Tests”, “Why School Bathroom Selfies are the Worst”, and “The School Administration Is Doing What Is Best for You”! After these educational videos there will be a fifteen minute talk about the video. You will be grouped by random to help you get to know more people you won’t like!
“I will end the morning announcements with this quote supplied by our fine principal. “Remember, even if you’re garbage, it’s garbagecan not garbagecannot.” That’s all folks. Tune in tomorrow for more stupid rules and regulations that you can thank the school board for!”